Last night, after the Maundy Thursday service, Jessica asked me to explain why we needed to be quiet until we got to the parking lot after the service. Why there wasnt a receiving line and coffee and snacks. So as we drove home, we talked about what the service commemorates and what happened on Good Friday.
"Daddy, I don't understand... why did Jesus have to die?"
"He died as a sign of God's love for us. If God wanted to, could he have saved Jesus? Of course he could have. God "snaps his fingers" and BOOM! now Jesus is standing there clean and healthy. Of course. But he didn't. God loves us so much that he allowed his only Son to die for us."
"He loves us more than he loves his Son?"
"Yeah, he does"
Silence
"Daddy? (her voice sounds like she is almost afraid of the answer but needs to know) Is there anyone you love more than me? I mean... like that??"
"No, sweetheart, there is no one I love enough to let you die for them."
My heart was breaking. For many reasons.
I couldn't help but think about having to see your child die and not having done anything about it. Its already devastating ANYTIME a parent has to bury their child, but whether its something senseless like a car accident, or natural, like cancer, there is nothing you can do about it. No matter what we tell ourselves as parents, there is nothing we could have done to prevent what happened. Its different for God. God is in a situation where he could have done something... easily... but chose not to. God made a conscious decision to allow his son to die so that we might be saved. He CHOSE to watch his only son die.
Then I thought about that sweet little girl in the back of the car. The cracking in her voice when she asked the question that had, for me, a VERY easy answer. But for her, there must have been a slight possibility that the answer was yes.
And here is where I did what I have done my entire life. I dwelled in that moment.
To this day, the problem I have with surprise birthday celebrations is not the people jumping out and yelling Happy Birthday, nor is it the lack of control over... well anything. Its the feeling leading up to that, until everything is revealed. All day long Susan sees people all day who do NOT wish her happy birthday. Not Bob, not Joan, not Jose... no one. Not even Susan's adult son said anything. I mean none of the important people in her life even wrote on her Facebook wall?!?!? Poor Susan goes all day long with this horrible feeling. "Does no one care?" "Does no one remember?" "Maybe I am not as well liked around here as I thought..." Of course, she arrives home to find a house full of loved ones and all is better. But until then... THAT feeling... that feeling sucks! And that's the moment I tend to dwell on. I don't think about how much fun the party is going to be, or how much fun everyone has planning it, or even the joy and love Susan feels. I tend to dwell in that moment leading up to that.
Back to Jessica... Honestly, I have a hard time believing she spent much of any time thinking that there MIGHT be someone that I would let her die for. I know I am not a perfect parent, but I can't believe she thinks there is a long list of people that rank higher on Daddy's Top Ten List than she does. However, there was enough of a doubt to make her voice crack. To make her think, even for a split second, that that might be the case. And THAT is the moment that I set up shop in.
Thinking about what an awful feeling that must be to think that there is someone Daddy loves more than me. Daddy loves that person so much that he will sacrifice my life for them. He loves them so much that he REFUSES to stop all of my suffering, my pain, my anguish. I even BEGGED him to not let this happen to me and he has done nothing. My Daddy has the ability to make this all end right now. We could live happily ever after... but NO. They are more important... he loves THEM so much that he will let ME DIE... a horrible, painful death... even death on a cross.
I had set up camp in that moment. The moment that Jessica, ever so slightly, thought I might love someone else that much and and it wrecked me. How much that must hurt. I was thankful that she was seven and that she would be on to something else very soon. But Jesus? No, Jesus had to live with that feeling. And not just during the Passion. No just while he was being prosecuted, and beaten, and executed. Jesus lived with that for thought and feeling for YEARS. From the time the Father revealed His purpose to His Son. So, as I am living in that moment... Jesus experiencing the feeling that He is not His Father's number one... thinking about that feeling... all I could do is take comfort in the fact that, as an adult and being wholly divine, he understood more about sacrifice than my 7 year old did. Jesus also loved us enough to give his life for us. Unlike the story of Abraham and Isaac, Jesus gave himself up to death freely. I can't imagine that Isaac was very keen on the idea of being the burnt offering. Now we know that Jesus did have his moments of doubt. We read the story of Gethsemane where Christ asked the Father, "You're sure?? Like, really, really sure???" But ultimately Jesus and the Father gave the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.
Then I was back in God's shoes. Feeling that pain of watching my child suffer and not doing anything... Hearing them beg me to help them and not doing anything... I just cant imagine the pain and am glad that I did not spend too much time dwelling in that feeling. I don't think I could have taken it.
Almighty and ever living God,
Thank you for the sacrifice of your son. Thank you for your perfect love. We are unworthy of your love. Help us to do better in our lives to be more deserving of your love.
Amen
